An Introduction

I don’t know how you find yourself here, reading this “blog-a-book.” But I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are meant to be here. That may sound unbelievably cruel, coming as it does, from someone who has no idea what you’ve been through, what you’ve been made to suffer, what your background is or your upbringing – but trust me when I say to you, this is where your healing will begin. Trust me when I say that I have been there, am still going through the process and have days when I still want to chuck it all and run as far away as is humanly possible. But please know this; I have also learned to trust the process and to understand that there is an ebb and flow. For as many days as I have asked myself “why me?” and “what have I ever done to deserve this pain, this turmoil, this total turning myself inside out and backwards?” – there have been moments of crystal clarity, and complete lucidity, where I glimpse, if only for the briefest moment – the larger pattern; rich and pure and transcendent. Then I am able to understand, if only through a film of tears, that on some level – God or Creator/Universe or All-That-Is and I made a sacred agreement (along with my significant other) that this was exactly the experience I needed to have; the catalyst to transform me into the person I came here to be, the person I had waited my whole earthly life to embrace and express.

All I ask of you, is to suspend your disbelief for this holy moment, and trust Divine Love to speak to your bruised and bleeding heart, to reassure you – that it WILL be well (already IS well in Truth) with your soul. No matter what your human physical senses tell you about betrayal, loss, and the end of all-you-knew-as-true life. You are being called, awakened, born anew and I can promise you, that if you will follow along with me and at least try to be open to the words, images, thoughts and possibilities presented in these 365 days – healing will happen. It may not take the straight and narrow path. I have found through experience, the path is zig-zagged and undulating at best. But please, dear beautiful soul, do not surrender to despair, rather surrender the heaviness of despair to your loving guides – and we all have them. Trust that when there is a truth too heavy to bear, loving and compassionate arms/hearts/wings, will carry the weight until you are better able.

Every one of us is surrounded by a cloud of powerful, passionate and infinitely patient guides – that consider it their purpose, a blessing and a gift to accompany us on this path of transformation. I ask you please, to suspend your belief systems; those guidelines we have been given since birth that may tell us otherwise. Send love, kindness and empathy to your ancestors, past or present – who through the heartfelt urge of wanting to protect you from hurt and disappointment – removed anything that made them uncomfortable or caused them pain in their formative years. They never meant to narrow your choices, never meant to deprive you of help and never meant to permanently seal any doorway to ultimate Truth. They were just doing the very best that they could at the time, which is all that any of us can do.

Love them, thank them and give them space to disagree with you. BUT from here on out and until you reach the last page/post; give them space to be close but separate beings. Send them grace, send them compassion, but cut them a W-I-D-E swath. Journal, in fact I encourage it – but do NOT share your thoughts, insights or inner mouse-trap-designs (do you remember that game?) Keep your thoughts sacred, and share only with beings that walk the path with you, trusted friends, anam cara – soul friends who see you for who you are at a soul level and can mirror your beauty back to you unblemished, the you who was created in the Divine and perfect image of God(dess).

In Grace and Peace,

Shauna

Testing the Waters

I am not absolutely new to blogging, but lets just say that up ’til this point I haven’t been very consistent about it. But, today is day 171 for me, which might require a bit of explaining. After almost 36 years with one person, I finally made the excruciating decision to separate. In the State of Virginia, there is no such thing as a legal separation – but there is a process of deciding on a legal date that starts the clock ticking towards divorce. There are exactly 365 days required before filing the legal documents and as soon as I returned from this enlightening conversation with my lawyer – I immediately took my calendar and numbered backwards starting with 365 and working towards 1. That’s how I arrived at today being day 171 in that onward march.

This blog is, in a way, the written record of those days in the chrysalis – the metamorphosis/transformation in process – the good, the bad, the ugly and the transcendently beautiful. God(dess), Universe, Higher Power – whatever you like to call your True North has a way of turning every moment into a teaching moment, if we are only open and willing to be taught. This process, much like the chrysalis phase – had a much earlier beginning, much like those carefree caterpillars munching on delicious green leaves and soaking up lovely sunshine – but there is time for that story as well. Let us just say that this caterpillar woke up about 7 or so years ago and tried everything that it knew, using beliefs that had served it very well for many, many years only to find that this particular situation was VERY different than any it had ever experienced before and the very same beliefs, attitudes and responses that had “seemed” to work very well with little or no tinkering, suddenly didn’t cut it any more. So began a journey of awakening, growth and learning that have led me to some very different conclusions. And I had a crazy idea that there might be others on similar paths that would resonate with the things that were touching my heart deeply. During this process, I took classes in Photoshop for Inspirational Pages (FB) and started a number of pages where I shared my art and bits and pieces of wonderful little jewels of knowledge that were daily showing up in my life – little serendipities, what I used to call coincidences, but that I now know are loving “bread crumbs” sent by my guardians and guides to ease my way and introduce what used to be considered radical ideas by my old self.

The crux of this transformation is that I have committed to writing a book – one that will include 365 writings. One for each day of my journey to a new life, a new beginning. My mother kindly sent me a package of books to read for traversing this new ground and one of them really touched a chord with me, called “Without This Ring,” written by a wise and insightful woman named Abby Rodman. One of her suggestions for dealing with all the changes was to journal (which I have been doing for a number of years) but the other was “Write a book – even if you’re the only one to ever read it.” (page 189) so I’m taking her advice. I was also greatly influenced by some statistics that she quoted (and I’ll mention these loosely and promise to provide back-up as soon as possible.) She said that the divorce rate for people 50 and older has more than doubled since 1990 and that is a staggering thought considering that more that half the married people in the United States are over 50 – that 66% of these divorces are initiated by women and that about 50% of the women she surveyed for her book said that their partners were psychologically or emotionally abusive. The bottom line is, that women my age (50-something) are no longer willing to accept abuse in return for status, security or the status quo – which has started news agencies talking about mid-life or “gray” divorce. Looking at these figures – I know that I am NOT alone in making the decision that whatever years I have left (and I hope they are many) that I want to live them in peace, and in harmony and from a  place of making decisions that support my spirit – because YES, this is going to be a blog about spirit and finding those parts of ourselves that we shelved many years ago in favor of whatever didn’t rock the boat.

So I hope you will join me here. I will primarily write about women and our experiences, simply because that is where my experience lies – and I will be writing from a perspective of separation, although I believe that much will apply to others who have experienced the death of a spouse or partner. Please do not be put out by my mention of God, because that is simply the way I was brought up to talk about The-Power-That-Created-All. Use whatever term fills your heart with peace and allows you to open yourself to the possibility that you are on the right path, you are guided and that you knew in your deepest level of your soul, that this transformation (though devastatingly painful and unbelievably confusing at times) was absolutely necessary for your elevation to the next best level of YOU.

In Peace and Grace,

Shauna